First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
