Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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