just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
