So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
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She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
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Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.