this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.