just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
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could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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