Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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