I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
