your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
