Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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