I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
People in love make me want to vomit
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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