State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.