It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
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i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
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She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying