so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
