the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Found the puke drawer
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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