I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Everclear isn't food dammit
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.