i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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