Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Come on in and take your pants off
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