We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
