i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize