I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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