my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
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IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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