Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
