Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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