I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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