So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
