i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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