Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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