You made me cry and you don't even care
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
