Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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