is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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