Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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