Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
