I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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