This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
