Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
