If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
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You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
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Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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