Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
