he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
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Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
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I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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