I think my fart just growled at me.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
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So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
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drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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