That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
