I hate your face
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
