Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
