There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
