you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
