Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
