My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost