Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now