I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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