so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize