I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
