he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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