my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
