Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
